


A bitter sweet melody

by Solrey



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Accident, Angst, Depressiv(?), Fear of losing, Hyunjin and Chan are really good friends for Felix, Love, M/M, Switching Perspective, The Meaning of Life, be aware of the warning please, believe me, friendship is also strong in here, i like happy endings, it will have a happy ending, may trigger some people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-01 06:46:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15768753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solrey/pseuds/Solrey
Summary: The rain brought his most precious memories back to his mind and for a moment, he could not believe that they had been in a relationship for over three years now. How time flies when you are in love and happy. That is why it was now time to take action – to propose.He thought but destiny had another plan.





	1. A fateful day

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~  
> This is a story that will be seperated in a few chapters because I love cliff hangers. I'm evil. I'm sorry.  
> Please, be aware of the warnings, I will later describe things that some people may trigger.

It was on a rainy day when he decided it was time to take action. The way the rain drummed against the window reminded him of the day he realized his feelings for the first time and oh boy, that was an experience. The love and attachment he felt for the first time for a certain boy shocked him back then. Loving a boy? He never considered it before but this boy was his one-way ticket for a serious relationship and it was the best decisions he ever made that night. Kissing that freckled face in the pouring rain. As if, it was straight out of a romance movie. 

The way Felix looked that night made him weak and at the same time so proud. He was the only one who ever will see him like that, drenched in rain, his hear sticking to his head while his body was perfectly portrait by the wet clothing. His cheeks being red because of exposing them to long to the cold rain, or maybe he was just shy that night. Both works. The freckles like dark dots on his cheeks reminded him of the stars on the dark firmament. Incredible beautiful. He was indeed the most beautiful human he ever saw and the only person who ever achieved in making his heart flutter. 

The rain brought his most precious memories back to his mind and for a moment, he could not believe that they had been in a relationship for over three years now. How time flies when you are in love and happy. That is why it was now time to take action – to propose. Making him his officially. Just the thought of marrying his Lix made him smile, imagining the perfect wedding ceremony. 

_The proposal should be unique_ , he thought, _like him_. His eyes darted around in the room, looking for something that would push his creativity and they actually landed on something he knows very well, the piano. Of course, it dawned him, _why not doing the thing I am the best at_.  
Therefore, he did it and that was to compose and write songs. He would write a unique song that all his emotions would capture, making them alive in form of the notes he would play while his hands would fly over the piano, playing the song by heart and without the use of music sheets. It would be perfect he knew it.

 

He worked on the song for two weeks none-stop, so much that Felix was already worried and asked him, if the new job was that important. Well, he did skipped some meals and spend less time with his lover than usual but every time he thought about the song, he had to work on it. A few days ago, he was satisfied by the melody he composed and began to memorize it as fast as possible. Whenever Felix was out to his job as a professional dancer or the younger decided to go out, he would take the chance to learn it. He memorized it so good that he could play it without a piano but still being able to hear each note he was playing. 

Today was not the day he would propose he decided on a wimp because it could be the last sweet date as a couple and he wanted to cherish that. Occupied with his thoughts he did not notice that his boyfriend was ready and fully dressed so they could go out. After calling his boyfriend a few times, Felix got the attention he wanted and linked his arms with Changbin. With now full attention, he inspected the clothing his boyfriend chose and it made him happy that Felix actually whore the things he picked him out last time. A white shirt with a jeans jacket combined with a black jeans and black shoes. It was simple but so impactful at the same time. With a smile he opened the front door and led his boyfriend out of their house, closing it shortly after they stepped out. It was a sunny day with less clouds than the other days had and he was happy about it, their date wouldn’t be ruined by something like the weather. 

On a whip Felix decided that he wanted to eat ice cream and the good boyfriend he is, Changbin said he would like some too. So soon they walked in the direction of the nearest café that sells ice cream. He felt how Felix came a little closer, pulling the arm very close. Even after three years, each and every thing Felix did made his heart bubble with love. Feeling incredible happy by the taller presence every time the said one got jealous and overprotective, but Felix never showed it directly but with subtly signs.  
He remembers well the day Felix actually snapped the first time, being annoyed with a certain guy that wouldn’t leave him alone. Felix burned with jealousy that day, even though he himself didn’t engaged with that stranger at all, nonetheless the stranger tried to talk to him. Of course he brushed him off many times but it had no effect whatsoever. The stranger ignored the bundle of burning fire that was attached to his arm complete and ignored the fact that they even hold hands. Honestly, it was ridiculous. And then Felix patience ripped, he could literally hear the snap sound of the string and the outcome of all of this was hilarious. The boy who was normally shy and only stared daggers in silence, went off in front of a whole crowd. His eyes showed pure anger and his deep ass voice made him look like a real bad boy and Changbin kind of liked that side of Felix. It was something new. He pushed the stranger and accused him of flirting with an already taken boy who obviously had no intention to flirt back and that he just made a clown of himself in front of a lot of people. The stranger left after gulping hard and with his eyes wide open. After processing what happened, he wasn’t able to hold his laugher back and so he laughed, the crowd with him. The realization of what Felix did hit the boy who blushed deeply, embarrassed by his own doing. Felix just came to him and buried his head on his shoulder. A chuckle left his lips by the thought of his memories, Felix was indeed the sweetest person on earth.

“What are you chuckling about, baby?” Felix asked and looked at him with a hint of curiosity. 

“Nothing in particular, Lix, just the day you snapped for real. Man, that is indeed a memorable day.” He glanced at his boyfriend and saw the younger getting flustered by the thought of the memories.

“T-that is not a memorable day! Even though that idiot needed a lesson…” 

“You’re just so cute Lix.” He said and kissed the head of the younger lightly, making the freckled boy smiling at the loving gesture. 

Soon a golden sign came in their view, written in black the German name ‘Sternentänzer’. The name of the café. In the beginning they didn’t asked the owner what it meant but later they got curios and asked. The young man explained them that ‘Sternentänzer’ meant star dancer and he chose it for his café, because the café was his dream and he actually earned his money prior with dancing. So he was basically a star dancer. That’s why when you go in the café, its decorated with a lot of stars: mugs and cans with silver stars, the curtain where see through with small white knitted stars and when you turn on the lamps by nighttime, you see stars all over the room. It was something magical and that’s why it was their favorite place to begin with. He thought that Felix and the café where made for each other, as if Felix himself is a star, shining bright in his darkness.

They stepped in the café and where immediately greeted with the smell of fresh made coffee. The man behind the counter saw them, waved at his regular customers and gestured that he would come soon. He nodded and they took their seat by the window frame. It was really incredible how fast Felix relaxed in the café, even if people would shout at each other in here (that happened only once in 2 and a half years of coming in regularly) he would just block it out. Changbin was really amazed by it. 

“Hallo my favorite couple, what can I bring you today?” The owner of the café asked them.

“Ah Hyunjin, the usual please. Do you even need to ask?” He asks and hears a laugh leaving Hunjins mouth. 

“Actually, I don’t but wouldn’t I be considered impolite if I woudn’t ask you? No way I ruin my reputation just because of that!” Hyunjin says with a glimpse of sarcasm and walks back to the counter to make their order ready.

“Hyunjin really lives his dream, doesn’t he?” 

“Indeed he does. But aren’t we too? I mean, you always wanted to be a professional dancer and now you are really famous in the dancer scene. My dream also came true, I write and compose songs. Maybe we are also Sternentänzer.” He said and Felix chuckled at the way he tried to pronounce the word correctly. Of course the pronunciation was off, he never spoke German before but he wanted to say it anyway. It had a special place in his heart.

A few minutes after Hyunjin came back and brought them their order: for Felix a bowl with different ice cream scoops and a hot chocolate while Changbin had coffee with cookies. They ate in silence while they watched the cars on the street driving past them at a high speed. After all the times they spend their afternoon here, they had called this place their second home. Staying here meant they had no need for words, the silence was sufficient enough. Spending their time together like this after he had constantly been working refreshed him and his thoughts. Clearing his head from the preparation stuff he has constantly been thinking about. Just him and Felix today, no preparations, no learning. He promised the younger and he would hold onto this promise for his lover. 

He teared his gaze away from the cars on the street and looks at his boyfriend, who was drinking his hot chocolate at the moment. Their eyes met and he saw that Felix enjoyed his drink so he smiled and watched the other. When Felix placed his hot chocolate back on the table, Changbin noticed that the younger had a white beard from the froth on his drink. For a second he thought he would just call Felix out but decided against it, so he reached over the table and whipped the froth of Felix upper lip. And he took his time doing so, brushing is thumb along the seductive lips of his boyfriend. When all was gone he liked his thumb, locking eyes with his boyfriend while doing so. The younger blushed at his doing but left it at that with small ‘thank you’. 

 

An hour later they were done and paid Hyunjin as usual, waving a goodbye when they came out of the door. The sun went down a little and it cooled down outside, giving the wind a refreshing feeling. He took Felix hand in his and intertwined their hands with each other, feeling the pleasant warmth of the other. They just went a few steps when he noticed something and when the realization hit him, it was already too late so he did the only thing he could think of: protecting his boyfriend. The car he saw came closer at a high speed and he pushed Felix back to the café, away from the street and then it hit him. Everything went dark. 

 

A loud crash sound could be heard, echoing through his ears and making him deaf for a second. The sound of an abrupt stopping came right after, following a bump of something hitting the ground. Felix found himself on the ground, pressed against the wall of the café with still closed eyes. When he heard someone shouting, he opened his slowly, taking in what he saw in front of him. It stole his breath and he felt hot tears welling up in his eyes. On the spot they just stood a few seconds ago, a car had stopped with a cracking front window. He couldn’t believe it. Realize it. It wasn’t real. His eyes travelled slowly to the right and a sharp pain stung his chest. It felt like his heart was ripped out of his rib cage and smashed to mash in front of him. The tears that welled up, began to fall and he clapped his hand in front of his mouth, holding back a loud scream of terror. His beloved boyfriend, lying just a few feet away from him on the ground in a pool of blood. He laid face down, the back of his head covered in blood while his right arm laid weirdly away from his body. It was a horrific scene. His body couldn’t move; he was frozen on the spot. The only thing that escaped his mouth was a pleading of no’s, hoping that all of this was just a bed dream but it wasn’t. People around them came to help them, giving first aid to Changbin and asking if Felix himself had been hurt but he couldn’t response. He wasn’t able to. The love of his live, laying badly wounded in front of him. He doesn’t even know if Changbin was still alive. He shook his head, not wanting to think of the worst outcome. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder and when he looked up, Felix saw a Hyunjin with a terrified expression on his face. The older crouched down to him and locking him in a hug, while his tears began to wet Hyunjins work clothing. They stayed like this for moment before Hyunjin pulled back and looked at the younger with a pained expression.

“Felix, I- I don’t know what to say. How could this happen, damn it!” In Hyunjins eyes formed tears and they silently dripped down his cheeks. The sound of a nearing ambulance caught the attention from both boys.  
Paramedics came out fast and run up to Changbin, doing their best to stabilize him. A witness pointed at him and one of the paramedics came to him on fast feet. 

“Boy, where you hurt? Does something hurt?” The old man asked him but he couldn’t answer instead he asked.

“Will he make it?”

“The chances are low.”


	2. Pouring Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we go again, thank you for even considering reading this trash. Well, I will continue to hurt you, so be warned, this chapter may not be easy to take for some people.  
> *!Metioning of self-harm!* Skipp to "The crying boy..." if you don't want to read it! Well the scene IS important to the story but you can leave it out if you want.

His back hit the cold wall, sliding down at it and staying on the ground, while the piercing pain flooded his body, making his thoughts clouded. It was indeed a stupid idea and he knew it immediately, when the pain shot through his body, making him feeling paralyzed in the progress. Red dots feel on the white tiles on the floor, making the once clean bathroom dirty. He hadn’t cut deep enough to actually bleed to death – he was too scared to do so. Originally he had planned to do this to relive stress but it only stressed him out more. The red that trailed down his arm reminded him of that certain day and he felt powerless, small, scared. He lost so much that day, that only thinking about it made him wanting to vomit, letting his emotions coming out along with it. The pain on his left wrist increased and his breathing got unstable, a slight cry escaped his mouth. It scared him, having done something so stupid, Changbin would have scolded him for it. Changbin…  
At that thought he couldn’t keep his tears in, they run over his face, wetting his cheeks in the progress while his cheeks turned red from crying. He stumbled on his feet, regretting everything he did. Somehow he managed to get in the living room, that was still the same since the fateful day and each time he looked around, it hurts more and more. With a panicked look he searched for his phone and for his luck, it was laying on the table not far from him. His finger tipped on the contact that was up on the top and called it, a few rings later the other picked up.

“Hyung, I need you.”

 

Slightly harder than expected, Chan tugged at the bandage that he had put over Felix left wrist and the younger escaped a hurtful whimper. When Chan had heard the younger cry out to him on the phone, he immediately knew something was wrong so he came over as fast as possible. He had ringed the doorbell and not even two seconds after Felix had opened the door, reveling the terrible state he put himself into. To say that Chan was shocked came a big understatement near, he almost cried when he saw what state the younger was in. It broke his heart. 

After a long silence, Felix felt two arms wrap around his body and he gave himself in, being embraced and taken care of. He needed this after everything, he really did. Chans breath hit his neck but he didn’t complain, knowing that he had scared his hyung to death today and viewing back, it really, really, was a stupid idea. They stayed like this for a while but neither of them talked, until Chan broke the comforting silence.

“Why did you do it, Felix?” 

Taken back by the question, Felix grabbed harder at the shirt that Chan was wearing and buried his face deep into Chans embrace.

“I-I-I … I thought, I could relieve stress this way.”

“Hurting yourself and in the progress almost killing yourself is relieving stress? Oh, Felix! Please, don’t do this ever again.” 

Chan embraced the younger a little bit stronger, trying to give him the feeling of comfort and home, that he had someone in this hard time. They knew each other for over ten years, so long that Chan considered the younger one as his smaller brother. Seeing his little brother hurting, not knowing what to do with his life anymore made him sad and at the same time mad. Mad, because the driver almost killed Changbin and Felix. Mad, that he actually hit Changbin. But for sure he was mad because he believed in destiny and this was just to cruel. 

“I’m sorry hyung. I’m sorry.” Sobs left Felix mouth and Chan felt, that his shoulder got wet from the tears that once again left the eyes of the younger. “It never was my intention to kill myself or to leave you all behind. I-I could never do such a thing. He is still breathing!”

The last sentence hurts both more than they thought. The unspoken meaning behind it made the atmosphere tense, lingering in the air like the smell of a nearing thunderstorm. Chan free himself from Felix whose eyes displayed shook and fear when their eyes met. Maybe he was too harsh but in this moment, Chan was overcome from a feeling of fear. 

“Of course he is still breathing, he will make it! Even if I don’t want to think about… His death wouldn’t mean that you can kill yourself! You must live, for him and for us and first of all for you. Don’t give up, okay? I’m at your side Felix. Please, promise me that you don’t do such a thing again.” 

The crying boy held his head, trying to keep his tears in but it was no use, he felt so dumb right now. That he even considered something like this made him sad, almost unbearable pain stung his heart when he heard Chan talking. He worried the older and probably not only him, he needed to get his act together. Under sobs and unsteady breath, a small ‘I promise’ could be heard and it was for the first time this day, that Chan smiled at the younger. 

Few hours later, they found themselves on the couch with a hot tea and some cookies, watching random stuff that came up in the television. It helped Felix to get on other thoughts, distracting him from reality. They had stuff to catch on, so Chan explained to him what happened the last week: from politics, to city stuff and what was going on with their friends. Felix had spoken with his friends after the accident and of course they were shocked, told him they were sorry and if he needs help with something, he could ask them anytime. But he couldn’t. All he wanted to do was shutting himself in his house, keeping the world and the reality out. Now he regretted that. He missed the clingy Jinsung and Minho, Woojin who would comfort him with a hug, Jeongin and Seungmin who would cry with him but of all he missed Hyunjin the most. The older had tried to call him a couple of times, had messaged him and even ringed at his door but he never answered him. When he thinks about it now, he was a bad friend to Hyunjin. He only wanted to help him but he pushed him out as if he wasn’t involved in it but he was. Hyunjin was there when it happened, was with him. Reflecting on his own actions, Felix sees that he made a mistake and wished he could turn the time back, that he could speak out to Hyunjin, reach out to him.

“Hyung, I did something dumb.” He said, while his eyes were glued to his cup of tea he saw in the corner of his eyes that Chan turned a little to him. 

“Should I guess? It has something to do with Hyunjin.”

“Wha- how do you know that?”

“He talked to me. He was very worried about you; you know? No responses whatsoever, he is genuinely worried for your safety. Once he even considered, that you may did something to harm yourself. I said you would never do such a thing but it lingered in the back of my head, when you called, my first thought was something along these lines. Hyunjin was indeed right about that. You should talk to him.” 

Felix was at a loss of words. Hyunjin was that worried about him? And he pushed him away.  
“But hyung, what if Hyunjin doesn’t want to talk with me? Because I ignored him? What if I hurt him? I’m such a bad friend.” 

“Don’t worry Felix, I’m sure he will talk to you.”

 

Maybe Chan was a mage or just a good watcher, but he was right. The next day Felix had called Hyunjin and asked him, if they could talk. Hyunjin, the good soul he is, said yes almost immediately, leaving his café to his staff. Felix predicted that he was almost there, so he got up and prepared some tea for them. The water was boiling in the kitchen, while Felix was placing the tea cups on the table in the living room when the doorbell chimed. He walked through the hallway to the door and opened it to a Hyunjin, who looked like he had run all the way to his house. Probably was that the case. With a small gesture he showed Hyunjin that he could come in and Felix walked to the kitchen, to make the tea ready. When he came back to the living room he saw that Hyunjin had sat down and was waiting for him. With a swift motion he poured each of them a cup and sat down next to the older. 

At first they were silent, until Hyunjin hugged him and he hugged back. He really had missed the older, especially in a time like this.

“I’m glad that you are not made, Hyung. I’m sorry for how I acted. I was… unsure on how to go from there on, so I pushed you all away.”

“Don’t sweat it Felix. I’m so happy that you are alright, I didn’t know how I would react if you left me here, not knowing if Changbin wakes up again.” With that Hyunjin takes Felix hand in his and circles with his thumb over the back of his hands. Hyunjin did see the bandage around Felix wrist but he didn’t want to push him into talking to him. If something is wrong and he wanted to talk about it, Felix would come himself. 

Surprisingly, Felix house phone chimed so he got up and answered it the first time in a whole week.

“Hello, Lee Felix speaking.”

“Hello Mr. Lee. I’m Ming Daeha, a nurse from the Seoul Hospital. I assume you are the living partner of Mr. Seo?”

“That is correct” Felix felt himself shaking, “did something happened to him?”

“Yes, he woke up. We would like to go through the paperwork with you and the doctor wants to talk to you about the state your living partner is in. Is it possible to come as fast as possible?”

“Y-yes of course! I will head right over, thank you for calling!” 

Felix hung up and turned around to Hyunjin, who watched him with curiosity in his eyes. “He is awake,” came over his lips and he smiled for the first time since the accident had happened. A spark ignited his hart that laid in sadness and made him alive again. Changbin woke up. He could talk to his boyfriend again. Hyunjin jumped up from the couch and came over, holding Felix by his shoulders. “You can’t drive, right? Wait here, I get my car, I’ll drive you.” And with that, Hyunjin sprinted out of the house. 

The ride to the hospital was silent but a pleasing one, not awkward at all. Both where happy that Changbin woke up and nothing mattered at the moment. When Hyunjin drove to the parking slot, Felix began to tremble. The last time he was here, the doctor told him, that he maybe never wakes up again because of a bad head trauma that Changbin suffered from. But now getting told that he indeed woke up, changed a lot and it scared him. What if Changbin will suffer from something long termed?  
He hadn’t noticed that Hyunjin was already standing outside, waiting for him but when his door opened, he snapped out of his thoughts and said sorry for being so unfocused. Hyunjin just laughed and together they entered the Hospital. Behind the reception was a girl in her mid-twenties and greeted the two of them. With a rough description on how to get to Changbins room, they set off to find it and it took them a while but when they found it, they almost run into the doctor that was coming out of Changbins room. When the doctor saw the two, he began to introduce himself: “Hello, you two must be here for our patient Seo Changbin, correct? I’m doctor Park, a pleasure to meet you.” 

The doctor held out his hand the both of them shook it and bowed a little while Felix introduced them: “Yes, we are. I’m Lee Felix, the boyfriend of the patient and this is our friend Hwang Hyunjin, he drove me here.” The doctor nodded and closed the door behind him.

“You’re probably curios how your boyfriend is doing. What I can say to this point is, that his broken arm will heal and every other injurie is already healing pretty well. But there is something that happened that was to expect but still, it’s hard to deal with.” 

“What do you mean, doctor Park?” 

“His head trauma was really bad. When he woke up, he couldn’t remember who he was and what happened. He suffers a temporary memory loss. If you suffer from it, it is unpredictable if he remembers and what he remembers. It will probably just take time, but there were cases where people never got their memories back. I’m not telling you this so you lose hop but that you actually know what’s going on. I can’t promise you that he gets his memories back. Sometimes accident victims lock their memories out, so they wouldn’t get hurt. It’s a protection mechanism from our brain.” 

“I-I see, thank you very much.”

After that, the doctor said his farewell because he needed to visit another patient and left the two younger boys alone in front of the room. Felix and Hyunjin didn’t change a single word, Hyunjin just nodded to the door and he walked to it, Hyunjin with him. He opened the door to a single bed room. It was a typical white, stereotype hospital room. The window had been opened a little, making the curtains flutter in the wind and giving the room the fresh air it needed.

On the single bed laid a person and he immediately recognized him, his Changbin. The love of his life. Slowly approaching the bed, he sat down on the chair near to the bed while Hyunjin stayed in the back and leaned against the wall. Changbin slowly turned his head around to face Felix and he couldn’t hold his tears back. Silently his tears run down his face but Felix smiled. 

“Why are you crying?” Changbin asked with a rough voice, rougher than expected but he hadn’t used it in a while so he understood that the roughness was not directed to him.

“I thought I lost you.” Felix answered, keeping his smile and making his voice as soft as possible.

“So we know each other?”

“Yes, we do. We are … best friends. Actually, we moved in a house together a year ago.” 

“I’m sorry, you seem to really care for me, but I really don’t remember you.”

The words felt like a sword that was stabbed in his heart, making him bleed out. He needed to handle this feelings, Changbin couldn’t know that it hurt him so he was not at fault here. Felix needed to do his best to help his boyfriend through this, even if it’s means that it will torture him.

“That’s okay. You only woke up; I don’t expect you to remember so early. Please, take your time to get healthy again and after that, I can fill you in on everything you want to know.”

“Thank you, I would appreciate it.” Changbin answered, “By the way, what’s your name?”

“It’s Felix. Lee Felix.”

 

At the time Hyunjin brought him home, it had begun to rain. A very heavy rain to be precise. With a small ‘thank you’ Felix escaped the safety from the car and run up to the door while the rain drenched his clothes. Holding his keys in his hands, Felix opened the door fast and waved a last goodbye, before he closed the door. The water began to move down, dripping from his arms, his hair and head. With a sight, he walked to the bathroom and began to dry himself, afterwards he took some new clothes from the closet. Well, Changbins clothes but he didn’t cared anymore about this at this point. With a ‘ugh’ he fell on the bed, face first. The rain beating against the window, bringing memories back up that he didn’t needed right know. Hot tears welled up in his eyes, while he remembered their fateful day in the rain. 

 

He cried himself to sleep again this night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promies, this will have a happy ending. I couldn't bear to be this evil to them.


	3. A bitter sweet melody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back again! I'm so so sorry that I haven't uploaded like I said I would. I wasn't home, had no Laptop with me, after that no motivation to write.... Argh, I'm sorry.  
> But for the few who read this, here you go, the last chapter.
> 
> Btw, did you saw the Mixtape#2 video? It was so beautiful! <3 I'm glad that I found them~

It took Changbin two weeks until he could leave the hospital with Felix even though Changbin remembers nothing. His parents had visited, same with friends and people from his work but he remembered none of them and it truly hurts Felix to see his boyfriend like that. A confused, sad mess over all. Each day Felix has spent alone at that big house, he became more hurt because everything remembered him about Changbin. The couch, which was selected by the older back then, the photography that Felix took back in Los Angeles with Changbin as his model or the clock that silently ticks each second that reminded Changbin how long he was already working. It seemed that Changbin had his connection to everything in the house. But now, when the older entered the house, he remembered nothing of this. For him it was something he never saw before, completely new and fresh. Like a new world. He saw the world with different eyes, like a child who sees the world for the first time. New but scary. 

When Changbin entered the house and looked around, he was mesmerized by its interior. It was beautiful. The colors matched the house perfectly, the furniture carefully selected and presented, the walls decorated with picture frames, clocks or accessory. He felt at home but he didn’t know why. The house just fitted him very well. Than he remembered, Felix had told him that they lived here together so it would make sense for him to feel at home. His feet manoeuvre him through the house to the kitchen, it was small but beautiful, not too much but enough for two people. With a swift motion he opened the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water. Hands trembling and his throat dry, he felt overwhelmed. Was this really his home? Did he really live here? With Felix? But why with Felix and why in a house? Why not a loft or small apartment but rather a big house? It was too much information for him. He felt horrible because he still had no memories of at least something. The paper that was his brain – before colorful and exiting – was now pure white, with nothing on it but a small dot. A small black dot that were his memories but compressed. 

Changbin chugged down the water and placed the empty bottle on the table, his eyes searching for the door. There he was in the doorframe, the boy that told him who he was and that they were friends. Changbin only knew that Felix was younger by a year, that he came from Australia five years ago and that they got to know each other through a boy named Chan. He learned that Chan was also a fellow Australian but lived in Korea for a long time now and that he knew Chan through his passion for music; a producer like him. Changbin couldn’t believe it at first: him being a producer? But Felix played him a few songs that he had probably produced and his heart seemed to remember them because he felt melancholy. He wanted to remember them, he really did but he couldn’t. Felix told him that he had time to remember them, he shouldn’t force himself. 

But the moment their eyes met – he in the kitchen while Felix was in the hallway – he felt incredible guilty. Songs that he obviously produced where knew to him but the shining in Felix eyes told him, the younger liked his work. No not liking but loving. His guilt welled up in him. Felix obviously had a secret and he didn’t told him about it. What was so important, that Felix had to keep it as a secret? 

Their eye contact lasted a few seconds before Felix broke it, walking down the hallway, gesturing Changbin to follow him. For a second he hesitated but decided to go anyway, this was his home and he should get to know it. The house itself wasn’t as big as he original thought but still more than enough. He even had his own music room in which he composed songs or practiced his rapping. To say that he was amazed with his room is an underestimation: carefully organized music sheets in his shelves, a guitar, a piano and even his own music-mixing-table connected to a new looking computer. It was indeed top notch – or so he thought, he had nothing to compare it to or could remember of. The room gave him a feeling of safety, of home. Maybe he really liked to live here, Changbin thought silently to himself, while he checked out the room. 

“I’ll let you be for the time begin, make yourself at home… Well it is your home but if something bothers you, find me.” Felix said behind him with a low voices and without waiting for Changbins answer, he left the room and closed the door behind him.   
His fingers traced over the piano, trying to remember how it felt to play it confidently. A smile creeped up on his lips, the thought of playing a wonderful song on this while Felix listens to it with a bright smile, lets his heart skip a beat. But why was that? Was Felix opinion so important to him? Having a best friend like Felix must have been amazing and he can’t even remember. But does he really want to remember it?

Felix on the other hand tried to stay calm when he left the older alone. The urge to hug and kiss the older was huge and drives him insane, so he left him be. Not yet ready to reveal that they had been more than simple friends. Hoping, that making dinner will get him to other thoughts he began to cook something simple. His hands were trembling while cooking all the time, once again overwhelmed with the situation they were in. The tears welled up in his eyes and began to stream down his face, silently dropping on the floor. 

“I love you, Binnie.” He whispered.

 

The meal they shared was a silent one, neither of them knew what they should talk about so they kept quiet. Felix had cooked something good for once and if Changbin had still his memories, he would praise the younger that he hadn’t burnt down the kitchen but Changbin had no such memories. The image of a shocked Changbin came back to his head, a year ago Felix had literally almost burned down the kitchen and himself a long with it. The older was deeply scared back than and Felix needed to promise Changbin that he will never cook again without him. Now he broke that promise but maybe Changbin will never find out that he broke it, when his memories don’t come back to him. He sighs, to many ‘what ifs’ the last few weeks. 

“Say, what do you do for a living Felix?” Changbin suddenly asked, interrupting the silence. 

“I’m a professional dancer. I teach dance lessons in a dance school and sometimes I get booked as a back-up dancer or as a dancer for a musical. Whenever some needs a dancer, I assume.” While he said that he had his eyes glues to his plate, having no intention to lock at the older.

“So you are often gone? Like on tour and such?”

“If it is required, I’m sometimes away for a few weeks but I try to be home as often as I can. It’s still my home and coming home is something I don’t want to miss so often.” 

“Why is it that important? Isn’t it cool to come around and see the world?”

“It is but you and our other friends are the only people I have here in Korea. My parents and my siblings still live in Korea so I don’t see them as often as I want to. So having a place that I can call my home and having a place that I can return to, makes me happy.” 

This time Felix actually looked up and their eyes met, searching in Changbins eyes for something but what he found wasn’t what he looked for. It was guilt. Why was Changbin guilty? He couldn’t understand. That the smaller lost his memories was unfortunate but nothing that they could change, so for what was the older guilty? Did he make the older uncomfortable? Probably, he thought. He swallowed and looked away again, the eye contact making him waver. He won’t tell Changbin what they are and that was his standpoint, Felix won’t change is decision. 

“I-I see, I’m sorry that was a very personal question.” Changbin replied, eating again.

“Don’t worry. You can ask me whatever you want, until you think you don’t want to know me anymore.” A small smile was visible on Felix face and Changbin swore himself that he always wants to know the younger. 

Going to sleep was difficult, Felix almost slept in their shared bedroom out of habit but quickly reminded himself that he couldn’t do that so he slept in the guestroom. The ticking on the wall was loud in his hears, almost mocking him for keeping his secret. He felt lonely, knowing that his lover was just a few rooms away without knowing that they were lovers. The sheets were cold, no mixed scent from them, no extras in the bed like Gyu. Just the coldness of the room that surrounded him. Will Changbin lie next to him ever again? He hoped so but he knew that is was wishful thinking. Maybe he had lost the old Changbin forever. With the ticking of the clock the sleep came slowly creeping in and bringing him to the land of dreams, were everything was perfectly fine.

A sweet melody found its way to his ears, melting into a thin morning sound that woke him up. He couldn’t recognize the sound at all so he pushed himself up from the bed, rubbing his eyes because he had slept badly last night. Felix eyes looked at the clock and with a groan he stood up from the bed, it was already 10am and he had slept in. Wonderful. Still wondering where the melody came from, he followed the soft notes that lingered in the air. His feet brought him to the room where it came from soon after; Changbins music room. The door was open and showed the back of the older, who played the piano. For the first time Felix actually listened to the song, trying to remember if he ever heard it before but no, it was completely new. Had Changbin composed this when he slept? Of course not, he scolded himself. 

While he just stood there and listened, a strange feeling overcame him. As if the song itself was filled with emotions, drowning him in the progress, he felt the tears again. Whatever it was that this song had, it made him cry. A sobbing mess. Each note seemed to be carefully placed in the song, having an actual meaning. Maybe it was the last project Changbin worked on, Felix thought. He never had heard something so beautiful before. Even if Changbins songs were always good, this was a masterpiece. Felix pressed his hands on his face, hoping that he could cover up his crying face but Changbin saw him anyway.

The older had turned around when the younger had begun to cry. Seeing the younger cry his heart out made him weak. His heart begun to ache, feeling heavy and shaken up. The image of the younger cry was something he never wanted to see again. Was the song the reason the younger had begun to cry? He didn’t know but for sure he knew that he needed to play it a few times. Why he could still remember how to play it was a mystery but not that e complained, because he felt something while he played it for the first time. Like a string that tucked at his brain, trying to free it from the cage it was locked in. Or maybe more like a key that could unlock the cage. He needed to find out. So he placed his fingers back on the piano keys and played. With each key he pressed down, a feeling of knowing came back to his head. Each key contained a memory he forgot a few weeks ago, now soaking back again to the place where they belonged. At the end of the song, he remembered everything. What had happened to him and what had happened before it. He knew everything and he felt complete again. After not knowing who he was for weeks, getting the memories back again felt like a breakthrough. He was free again. When his finger left the piano keys, the song still lingered in the air and the only thing that broke this comfortable silence where Felix sobbing. It broke his heart. He had forgotten the most important thing in his life; his boyfriend and look at that, he made him cry. At that moment he felt like crying too, all the memories he forgot, he would never trade them. They were his precious memories.

Changbin stood up and walked silently to his still crying boyfriend. His arms wrapped around the younger and brought him to his chest, letting Felix cry against it.

“I’m sorry, Lix. I’m so sorry.” He whispers, patting lightly the head of the younger to calm him down. It takes some time until Felix can look up and hold himself against Changbin with shaking hands.

“Y-you remembered my… my nickname?” His eyes were puffy and red from the crying, his face showed that the boy was sleepy but at the same time very awake.

“Not only that, Lix. I remember everything. I remember you. Sorry that I forgot.” Changbins hands cupped Felix face softly and he brought the younger closer, only inches apart from each other. Carefully he placed his lips on the younger ones, feeling the so familiar soft lips on his own. The kiss wasn’t rushed but slow, containing everything they missed the few weeks that they lost. It was soft, it was slow and it was right. This was the place he belonged to; to Felix side. When they parted and Changbin smiled at his boyfriend, placing his forehead against Felix’s one. 

“Hey Felix.”

“Hmm?” The younger looked at him and their eyes locked.

“Marry me.”

 

When they held their speeches and thanked everyone for coming, they sat down again, holding hands while looking at each other with loving eyes. They got married just a few hours before, Felix in a beautiful white suit that had small golden decorations looked amazing on him. Almost fairy like because the younger had dyed his hair blond and Changbin was every morning mesmerized by him. Changbin on the other side wore a black suit with gray decorations. Like black and white, they were different but pulled at each other like magnets. And now, they were one. Inseparable. Felix chuckled when the guest stood up to get something to eat as he watched them. 

“I still can’t imagine that we are married now.” The younger said, looking at their friends.

“But we are, Lix. For now, and forever.” 

“I love you, Changbin.”

“I love you too, Felix.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading! I hope the ending could make you feel better after I was so mean to you~

**Author's Note:**

> A question that came up while writting and I want to ask you guys: what is the space between the neck and the shoulder called? ... xD  
> I know that is random but I just found no way of explaining it and I know that a lot of people can describe it just fine. Help...? 
> 
> Anyway, I will try to update every two or three days. I decide how fast I update when I see if you like my evil idea. . . I'm sorry. Truly, I am.  
> Writing this hurts me. Don't kill me.


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